Five Times Jim Wanted To Hit Bones
by Darkwood Princess
Summary: And the one time he stopped someone from doing it. Mostly inspired by TOS moments.
1. Diet

AN: This was inspired a lot by the original series which is my favorite Trek series but is set in the nuTrek universe. My siblings came up with some ideas for this and helped me write it. This chapter's idea is derived from the episode The Corbomite Maneuver. It cracked me up to no end to see Bones put Kirk on a diet! XD

"Green leaves! I'm the fricking Captain! I don't do salad." Jim groused, stabbing the salad in front of him moodily, causing bits of it to fall on the table around him. Bones stared at him from across the table trying with all his might not to burst out laughing at his captain's child-like behavior. It truly reminded him of the time he'd forced Joanna to eat a bowl of squished carrots that Jocelyn had made. At that time he'd been in love, and at that time love had made carrots appetizing. Around him the low buzz of the mess hall continued. The members of Alpha Shift were drifting in slowly, none of them realizing the agony their captain was facing.

Lettuce. Broccoli. Cucumber.

And no dressing.

It was beyond depressing.

Kirk glared at the doctor, who was heartily enjoying a plate of fried chicken and a cold iced tea. Jim had _DIET_ soda with his _DIET_ menu. Which now only included stuff that made vegetarians and rabbits happy. His salad continued to mostly hit the table.

Chekov, passing by with a hot bowl of stroganoff stopped to shake his head at his captain's behavior. Normally he would not comment but today had been a rough one, with an attack from an enemy in a cube (a god honest cube) shaped ship and Chekov was more than a little tired.

"Keptain! In Russia it is considered the height of rudeness to throw one's food all over the table. Even my five year old cousin Boris keeps his salad in his mouth. You're vasting good lettuce."

Jim was speechless for a moment, and was about to respond with a very nasty comment about Cousin Boris and where he could stuff his lettuce, when Bones gave in to the temptation to laugh. Great peals of laughter shook the doctor's body as Jim continued to fume.

Some days Jim wanted to deck his so-called, diet prescribing, best friend.


	2. Slap

**AN: This one is inspired by some dialogue from Friday's Child. I loved that episode… I dislike Avatar, but my brother **T0rukMakt0 ** loves it and this one is for him. This should probably be under crossover, but whatever.**

Jim was in the Navi equivalent of jail. He, the captain of the starship Enterprise, was in jail, during shore leave, on a system where what he had done was the height of all offenses. Stupid matriarchal societies!

It had all started with an innocent conversation with the spiritual leader of the planet's tribe. The people of Pandora were like the Halkans in many respects, peace loving and living on top of some seriously useful materials. Aside from trees the size of small space shuttles and animals that all seemed hungry to eat him the planet was gorgeous. Of course all that natural beauty wasn't doing him any favors in negotiating with Mo'at, the spirit woman.

She was tall and strong, covered in the tribal trappings of her society and resolute in her beliefs. She would not let more "Sky People" (whatever the heck that was) take from Pandora. So Jim thought back to all his previous diplomatic encounters, which sadly, weren't many were the women didn't want to agree.

All that came to mind was a certain event on a planet named Capella IV, where a woman named Eleen had refused to agree to anything asked of her. So what had Bones, the only person who managed to gain her trust, done?

He'd slapped her.

So maybe slapping the spirit queen of the Navi wasn't a smart idea. Especially when it got him tied to a stake and pelted with what looked like bananas but smelt a lot worse. _A lot worse. _

Jim decided two things.

One: Command Gold did not go well with rotten fruit.

Two: Bones was getting punched when he got back.

And that was before the Thanator found him.


	3. Baby Sitting

**AN: Trust me, little kids can be hard on you if you don't know how to deal with them… Poor Jim! **

"_Come on Jim, just watch Joanna for the afternoon. I really have to be at this meeting." _

Shoreleave.

That was supposed to mean Jim relaxing instead of watching his best friend's whirlwind of a daughter. Said daughter was only eight years old and already the spitting image of her Daddy in many ways. Especially the way she gave him that look that said, "you're behaving like a stupid, spoiled kid".

Well then, if he was such a 'spoiled kid', why was he wrapped around her little finger, wearing a ridiculous princess dress, and 'dying' from a mysterious illness that Dr. Joanna was going to cure him and the kingdom of Enterprise from?

Blame it on the eyes. The big, brown, baby eyes.

Of course it was one thing to play make believe with a precocious eight year old when no one was looking. It was quite another when your first mate and his girlfriend came across you on a Sunday drive through the area and said first mate raised one of his imperturbable eyebrows. Apparently everyone thought him an idiot in a pink tutu.

Jim was going to sincerely hit Bones when he caught up to him.


	4. Chocolate Cake

**AN: I know most of this was the last part of one of my other stories, but I thought it was too funny and should also be part of this story. It fits really well. I edited a few sentences to fit this one.**

Jim was just coming off the bridge from Alpha shift when he saw it. A piece of thick frosted, well endowed, drowned in chocolate syrup, chocolate chip studded German Chocolate cake. And it was just laying there on a plate, as if it were waiting for him.

"Who am I to turn down free cake?" he muttered with a grin, bending over to reach for the plate. He had almost grabbed it when something odd happened.

The cake moved.

Or more importantly the plate moved.

Curious, Jim followed the cake as it rolled down the hallway. Apparently the plate was motorized, probably one of Scotty's odd inventions. He followed it as it rolled into a turbo lift. Thinking that now he had it, Jim rushed for the lift only for it to close on him. Impatiently tapping his feet, Jim waited for the lift to return.

"Computer, last known stop of Lift 5 prior to this floor." Jim asked as he walked into the lift.

"Deck 7, sir."

"Take me to Deck 7." Jim waited with growing curiosity as he descended. As soon as the doors opened, there it was, waiting for him. Jim ran forward, only to find it roll away again, down the hall, and into a room.

Rushing after it, he noticed neither the plaque on the door denoting the room as "Exercise Room 17" nor the door locking behind him. All Jim knew as he pounced on the plate was that he had the desert and it was sweet!

Ten minutes later he discovered the trap.

"If you want out of there Jim, you gotta exercise for at least an hour." Bones smirked at Jim from the com panel on the wall. Doctor's orders." Jim was about to growl out a couple serious invectives, mostly words he had learned as a child from his stepfather, when he noticed who else was backing McCoy up. Behind him stood… Mr. Spock?

"Captain, after reviewing your replicator record, the Doctor has convinced me that your caloric intake is most illogical and quite unhealthy. You need to participate in a regular exercise routine and I believe it is well within the Chief Medical Officer's boundaries to prescribe you one."

"Don't make me prescribe you one Jim."

In other words, 'exercise more'.

"Crud."

Jim vowed to beat Bones to a bloody pulp after he finished his stupid exercise routine.


	5. Martyr Complex

**AN: WHOO Number 5! This story is almost over! Let's see, this one is inspired by the TOS episode the Empath. **

Of course they would end up underground, in a pitch black spotlighted room, with nothing but a beautiful mute woman who turned out to be a touch telepath. Not that Jim minded a beautiful mute empath, no what he minded were the freaks who had an unhealthy interest in torturing Starfleet personnel for no apparent reason. Not to mention torturing him. For no obvious reason (but really why the torture?) But no, even this wasn't the worst of it.

The worst of it was waking up to a room that held one empath and two starfleet officers, instead of one empath, and _three starfleet officers._ And who was the missing officer?

Bones.

Jim knew that he had a martyr complex, and that Spock, though he hid it well, had a streak of stubborness that rivaled his. What he didn't know was that in one Leonard H. McCoy these qualities were doubled, thrown in with a healthy dose of disobedience. He had disobeyed the orders of both Jim and Spock, something Jim couldn't care less about at the moment. What he cared about was the chilling memory of something the Vians (freaks of the week) had told him earlier...

_"When we resume our interrogations, you will decide which of your men we shall use. It is essential. There's an 87% chance that the doctor will die, and while Commander Spock's life is not in danger, the possibility is 93% that he will suffer brain damage, resulting in permanent insanity." _

Die. 87% chance that Bones would die.

An hour later, upon discovering his bruised and battered friend, Kirk wanted to hit him out of sheer frustration, out of anger at the world and stubborn, caring friends, out of hope that they could bring back the dying man before him. Life wasn't fair, he knew that, but to lose someone in this manner was beyond cruel.

James T. Kirk didn't believe in no-win-situations, but as he stared at his dying best friend, while two megalomaniacal aliens basked in their power over those around them, he was hard pressed to see a way out of it. But he knew they would escape. Because they had to, because they always did...

Because a life was at stake.

And that was all that really mattered.


	6. Diplomats

**AN: Oh wow, this story has just been so much fun to write! Here's the final chapter! Any info about Bone's family is taken from my battered copy of **_**Shadows On the Sun**_** by Michael Jan Friedman, as well as the idea of the dynamic diplomat duo. Props to the pros! **

Jim found himself in a situation that was more than uncomfortable for him and the others at the dinner table, but downright hellish for the dark haired man sitting between the two diplomats assigned to the Enterprise for the duration of the Infatch-Hikabu peace talks. The peace talks were so important that the _Enterprise _had been pulled from her mission with the Halkans to ferry two diplomats to the warring planets.

Jocelyn and Clay Treadway...

From his seat next to the Captain, Spock noticed as Jim tensed every time Clay sent a barbed comment Dr. McCoy's way, as he accidently spilled wine all over the Doctor's navy dress uniform, as he managed to antagonize all the senior officers at the table.

As Leonard McCoy took it all in stride with a blank expression of forced politeness.

On his other side, Jocelyn Treadway, the Doctor's ex-wife, had the sense to avert her eyes in embarrassment at Clay's attempts to force McCoy into a confrontation. She tried several times to head the conversation in a different direction, attempts which earned her a modicum of respect in the crew's opinion of her compared to her husband. What Jim knew and Spock couldn't understand (based upon previous observation of the Doctor) was why he hadn't snapped already and socked Clay in the face. None at the table would have faulted him for it.

Sometimes one had to pick one's battles, and if the battle lead to nothing but more heartache, then why fight? Why fight if the lives of billions depended on two diplomats arriving unharmed, with relatively little added stress? Why open old wounds?

"I hope you're a better physician than a fighter, since space is full of conflict," Clay was gloating. "Because if I remember correctly, you were distinctly awful in a fight. Kinda like a girl with a hang nail. A whimpering coward with no combat sense whatsoever. Is it any wonder Jocelyn got tired of you and your nerdy self?"

It came after hours of insults, hours of veiled comments, of snarky remarks and putdowns.

Sometimes you didn't fight, but you didn't roll over and play dead either.

"I hit you first."

Clay colored red in the memory of that long ago dance floor, of the shy wall flower who had busted his jaw after he had pulled Jocelyn away from him. He remembered the laugh of the crowd, the blazing eyes of the 17 year old Leonard who had defended Jocelyn at the expense of his own safety, and of the humiliation of the moment.

" She chose me though, Lenny boy. Me, not you. She gave up on the man who cared more for his job, than his wife and daughter. She left you and took Joanna with her. Did you know that Joanna has started calling me Dad now?" The room was silent as the vindictive words poured from Clay's mouth, as Leonard took it all, as if he deserved it, as if it was his punishment for speaking when he should have remained silent.

His silence pushed Clay over the edge.

Jim jumped up as Clay grabbed Bones by the front of his tunic and reared back to hit him in fury at his lack of response, reared back as any bully is wont to do when deprived of his target's pain. Jim threw his arms around Clay's shoulders, restraining the angry diplomat as Bones delivered the final blow.

" Sometimes," he said quietly and plainly, "you have to understand when to let someone go. And sometimes," his eyes blazed with the emotion he had suppressed, "you have to understand that fightin' with a pig only gets you dirty and makes the pig happy. Have fun with Jocelyn, Clay. You deserve her." Clay's eyes widened in anger and he struggled against Kirk's hold on him, as the whole room stared on in shocked silence.

And with that Leonard McCoy made his exit, Spock nerve pinched a stupid diplomat, and Clay ended up in a brig cell for the night.

Kirk made sure it was the one with the captive Gorn in it.

**AN: Hopefully this wasn't too bad. If you like Bones, read **_**Shadows on the Sun. **_**It's a fantastic book, in which Clay is just as much of a jerkwad.**


End file.
